Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes - I changed my password EVERYWHERE to INCORRECT that way when i forgot it, it always reminds me, ' Your password is INCORRECT '.

“The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly - because if they do not speak fast nobody will listen to them.” -Michael Caine

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“Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he is talking about.” -Sam Ewing

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“Life... is like a grapefruit. Its orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” -Douglas Adams

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“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” - Lou Erickso

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“In the game of life, its a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.” -Bill Vaughan

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“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” -Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

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“For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” -Clifton Fadiman

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“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” -Mark Twain

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“An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.” -Herbert Samuel

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Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. -Mark Twain

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -Jimmy Durante

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. -Rodney Dangerfield

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -Lana Turner

The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. -Fred Allen